[COLUMNIST’S NOTE: As a cannabis columnist, I receive endless press releases, e-mails, and marketing materials relating to new cannabis and hemp products, projects, events, conferences, and expos.
I gathered 1,000 of these pieces and forced a stoned bot to read them and then write the following press releases—because if there’s anything independent newspapers have, it’s a sizable budget for advanced AI computers that analyze content and produce original material.
Uh, maybe get high for this one.]
Cha-ching for Ch-Chads, Again
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Empathy-impared wealthy loud white men with insensitivity toward differences in others made several trillion-dollar investments into companies that make cannabis for pot-smoker people. These men promised that their empty souls and greed won’t dilute and destroy their pot-business products. “Everything is a commodity, so we now make the best marijuana, just like guns and pesticides,” they said in unison. “It’s all the same.”
As one polo-shirted PR cog whined, “Everything we make is bio-bi-dynamic, organic, influencer-ready, vegan-preferred, organic, socially transmitted, organic, LGBTQ, industry leading, organic, ‘Most Woke’-award-winning, influencer-ready, and—most importantly—organic.”
Added another interchangeble business male who has smoked weed a total of three times, “We very much love earth, nature, the world, and diversity, so instead of stealing cheap and plentiful light from the sun with an outdoor grow, we’ve built our mega gigawatt chain of warehouses with the utmost lack of attention to environmental concerns. We will increase profits bigly because that is good business, and we are really good at business. We sold coal and wrote apps. How different can weed be?”
New Cannabis Product Is Mega Badass and Will Change Your Life, Bro
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: A brand-new thing is about to redefine what the cannabis experience means and disrupt the cannabis space forever. Using only the best and most technical tech, this most really good thing tested at 368 percent on the THC TVC15 scale, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
“People will spit on all other cannabis products once they put this in their smoke hole,” the seller of Best Shit Ever™ droned vacantly. “It tastes like OG Fuel Haze Garlic Glue Cake Kush Cookies—but with all the terpenes taken out, given steroids, beaten with a belt, and then reintroduced via high-pressure nuclear fusion. Anything not made this way is the equivalent of rotting seal guts and burning medical waste, so consumers would have to be idiots not to use this product exclusively for the rest of their lives.”
CBD Cures Death and Makes Everyone a Superman Jedi
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: CBD is better than anything, ever. Given a choice between air and CBD, choose CBD always. There’s nothing that has ever been wrong with you that cannot be totally fixed with CBD. I guarantee it now, new friend!
A smart, word-filled study by lab-coat scientamologists prove with facts that the reason God is powerful is because of CBD. Want powers of God? Yes! Now take many CBDs! This product will make you and your pets live forever, and you will never age and always stay golden and rich, with good sexy times and much strong hair.
Sadly Mark Your Calendar: Trade Expo and Canna Con Returns
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The same tired-looking people with whom you were forced to make small talk last year will be back at this year’s Soul-Sucking Trade Expo and CannaCon—now returning to a huge, drab, anonymous space near you! This year, participants will appear more depressed than ever as they talk at you about accessing the biggest herds of people who make/sell/eat/package/process the cannabis weed-pot.
Stare glazed-eyed across endless rows of products, services, and service products! Learn about all of the flash-in-the-pan cannabis breakthroughs and erroneous projections from overpaid speakers in disconcertingly spacious meeting rooms!
Come early for the more-painful-than-death kickoff party, where you can meet ’n’ mingle with other ganja-preneurs just like you—but whatever you do, don’t smoke weed. It’s not allowed.